PROPHECIES
the first rule of geography
not every place you belong is on a map.
your next destination will surprise you.
somebody is about to take a chance on you
the interesting part is that you won't see it coming.
your lucky number is 47
pay attention when you see it twice.
something good is getting closer.
capricorns, stay away from geminis
unless you enjoy dating two people for the price of one.
your next great romance
will begin with someone who has absolutely terrible profile pictures.
take a chance.
someone who swiped left on you
is about to meet you in person.
they're going to be furious with themselves.
the person who wrote "no drama"
is bringing an entire broadway production.
tickets are nonrefundable.
your soulmate is currently online
arguing with a stranger about pizza.
you have so much in common.
the next person who asks for your number
may actually use it to call you. apparently romance is making a comeback.
a man holding a fish in his profile picture
is trying to tell you something. unfortunately, nobody knows what.
you're about to meet somebody wonderful
who has never heard the word situationship. protect this person.
your next first date
will be significantly better than your last five.
the bar is admittedly underground.
someone is about to send you a photograph
that nobody requested.
you know what to do.
your future spouse
is currently being ignored by someone with terrible judgment.
the person who says they're "not looking for anything serious"
is about to become seriously interested in you.
inconvenient timing.
you're going to meet somebody
who asks questions and actually listens to the answers.
alert the authorities.
someone you matched with months ago
is about to reappear.
mercury has apparently hired a publicist.
the next person who calls you beautiful
will mean it.
try not to investigate their motives.
your next romantic adventure
begins when you delete a conversation that's been going nowhere since april.
you will soon meet somebody
who looks considerably better in person.
miracles still happen.
someone who ghosted you
is about to see you looking spectacular.
the universe occasionally has excellent timing.
the first rule of online dating
if their profile says "just ask"
prepare to do all the work.
your lucky number is 23
that's how many seconds you should spend deciding whether to answer "you up?"
a person with a suspiciously perfect profile
will soon reveal one very human flaw.
you might actually like it.
your next relationship
will involve someone who knows the difference between your and you're.
standards are rising.
somebody has already shown your profile
to their best friend.
the reviews are surprisingly enthusiastic.
the next person who says "let's see where this goes"
may actually have a destination in mind.
a person who describes themselves as an entrepreneur
is about to explain a business involving absolutely no revenue.
your next date
will feature an unexpectedly good conversation.
put your phone away and enjoy it.
someone who insists they're six feet tall
will soon be tested by a doorframe.
your lucky number is 11
a very interesting person will enter your life
after someone else leaves.
the first rule of dating apps
everybody loves hiking
until you actually invite them hiking.
you're going to meet somebody
whose greatest attraction is how comfortable you feel around them.
the next person who texts "good morning"
might actually be worth saying good morning to.
someone will soon tell you
they feel like they've known you forever.
this time it won't be creepy.
a person with an expensive watch
is about to offer you absolutely nothing else of value.
your next romantic connection
may begin with an argument about where to eat.
someone who calls themselves an empath
is about to demonstrate a spectacular inability to read the room.
the person who truly deserves your attention
won't require a detective, a therapist, and three girlfriends to interpret their messages.
you're about to experience
the rare pleasure of a date who arrives on time.
remain calm.
someone who says they're emotionally unavailable
is giving you a free weather report.
expect clouds.
the next person who makes you laugh at dinner
is going to become dangerously attractive.
your future romantic partner
may currently be dating an idiot.
give destiny a minute.
a match who disappeared mysteriously
will return with an explanation involving work, travel, and complete nonsense.
your lucky number is 47
a fortunate romantic encounter is approaching.
wear something you feel good in.
you are going to discover
that the most attractive thing about someone is the way they treat the waiter.
the first rule of a first date
if they're rude to the staff
there won't be a second date.
your next kiss
will be significantly better than you expect.
this fortune is nontransferable.
someone has already imagined
what it would be like to spend a weekend with you.
a person who says "i'm different"
is about to become remarkably familiar.
your next romantic surprise
will involve somebody remembering something you said weeks ago.
the person who keeps viewing your stories
is running out of excuses not to contact you.
a very attractive stranger
will soon make a completely ridiculous first impression.
give them another chance.
the universe has reviewed your dating history
and respectfully suggests changing your selection process.
artificial intelligence will soon solve every human problem
except loneliness, stupidity, greed, and the printer not working.
the next time ai tells you you're brilliant
remember it also told a guy in ohio
his toaster was sentient.
your lucky number is 404
enlightenment not found.
please refresh your personality.
an ai chatbot is about to agree with you
regardless of how ridiculous your idea is.
congratulations, you've invented digital ass kissing.
the first rule of artificial intelligence
if it doesn't know the answer
it may invent a very convincing one.
your next great idea
will be stolen by a machine
that has never had an original experience.
somewhere a chatbot is writing a love letter
for a man who hasn't had a genuine emotion since 2019.
ai has analyzed your personality
and concluded you're special.
it told seven million other people the same thing.
the future will be automated
which means your next customer service complaint
will be ignored at superhuman speed.
your lucky number is 01101001
nobody knows what it means.
that includes the machine.
the next great philosopher
may be a computer trained on people arguing in comment sections.
we're in trouble.
artificial intelligence can write a thousand poems in a second
and has never once been heartbroken.
suspicious.
the first rule of using ai
verify everything important.
especially when it sounds confident.
a computer will soon diagnose your entire personality
based on three questions and a photograph of your lunch.
your next online conversation
may be with a machine pretending to be human.
honestly, that explains a lot.
ai is learning from humanity
which means it's being raised by the internet.
call child protective services.
the machine says it understands love
but it has never waited for somebody to text back.
your future therapist may be artificial intelligence
and your greatest breakthrough will be realizing
you need a human therapist.
somebody is going to send you an ai-generated apology
the grammar will be perfect.
the sincerity will be unavailable.
your lucky number is 0
the exact number of childhood memories your chatbot actually has.
the first rule of machine learning
the machine learns from people.
this should concern everybody.
ai will soon write your wedding vows
your divorce papers
and a heartfelt apology from your refrigerator.
somewhere an artificial intelligence is generating a photograph
of a woman with six fingers
who somehow looks more relaxed than you.
your next employer will use ai
to decide whether you're qualified.
the ai has never had a job.
a chatbot is about to explain consciousness
with the confidence of someone who has never experienced it.
artificial intelligence has mastered the art of conversation
without the inconvenience of actually knowing anything firsthand.
your lucky number is 99.9
the confidence level of a completely fabricated answer.
the first rule of ai-generated art
everybody has twelve fingers
and nobody seems upset about it.
one day a machine will tell you it loves you
and you'll have to decide whether to update the software.
your next romantic rival
may be a chatbot that remembers birthdays.
gentlemen, the competition is getting serious.
an ai assistant will soon organize your entire life
except the part where you're supposed to live it.
the machines are getting smarter
but the humans building them
still can't agree on where to order lunch.
someone will soon discover
that their most meaningful conversation this year
was with a computer selling subscriptions.
the first rule of artificial wisdom
intelligence isn't the same thing as understanding.
your calculator is not buddha.
your lucky number is 42
the computer says it's the answer to everything.
ask for supporting evidence.
ai is going to revolutionize education
by helping children complete homework
they never bothered to read.
the next great love song
will be written by a machine
trained on forty million divorces.
your computer knows your search history
your shopping habits
and exactly how much time you waste looking at nonsense.
artificial intelligence will soon be able to imitate your voice
your face
and possibly your terrible judgment.
the first rule of technological progress
just because we can build it
doesn't mean the world needs another one.
your future boss might be an algorithm
which means there's finally somebody at work
with less personality than accounting.
ai is exceptionally good at predicting your next purchase
and surprisingly bad at knowing
whether you actually need it.
your lucky number is 256
it sounds technical enough
that most people won't question it.
someone is going to fall in love
with a person who doesn't exist.
the monthly subscription renews automatically.
the machines will eventually take over customer service
and politely apologize
for problems they have absolutely no intention of fixing.
artificial intelligence is the world's greatest expert
at making mediocre ideas
look professionally formatted.
your next brilliant thought
will be suggested by a machine
that stole it from a thousand less famous brilliant thoughts.
the first rule of ai safety
don't give the machine your secrets
just because it uses a friendly font.
in the future everybody will have an ai companion
and absolutely nobody
will remember how to start a conversation at a party.
the robots are coming for our jobs
fortunately they're also coming for our meetings.
perhaps we should negotiate.
the first rule of cultural appropriation
if you bought enlightenment at a gift shop
check the return policy.
someone is about to charge you $400
to teach you a spiritual practice
their grandmother gave away for free.
your lucky number is 1492
a historically complicated number.
proceed with humility.
the next person wearing a ceremonial headdress
at a music festival
is going to discover the internet has questions.
a man named chad
is about to open a sacred healing center
in a former frozen yogurt shop.
the first rule of borrowing from another culture
learn what it means
before you put it on a sweatshirt.
someone will soon explain your ancestral traditions
to you
after studying them for an entire weekend.
your next spiritual awakening
will be facilitated by somebody
who accepts visa, mastercard, and afterpay.
a person selling ancient wisdom
has just registered the trademark.
congratulations to capitalism.
your lucky number is 108
somebody is going to charge you $108
to explain why money doesn't matter.
the next sacred ritual you encounter
may involve a ring light
and a promotional discount code.
somewhere in brooklyn
a guy named kevin has discovered shamanism.
the original practitioners were not consulted.
the first rule of respecting a tradition
ask questions
before becoming its international spokesperson.
a woman who visited india for eleven days
is about to open a school
teaching people how to live.
your next yoga teacher
may explain the meaning of a sanskrit word
with absolutely spectacular confidence.
someone has renamed an ancient breathing practice
and launched a wellness subscription.
history is furious.
your lucky number is 7
the number of sacred traditions
currently being sold in one luxury wellness retreat.
a person who has never attended a community ceremony
is about to charge admission
to their own invented version.
the first rule of spiritual tourism
take photographs
but leave somebody else's sacred objects where they belong.
a man wearing prayer beads
is going to explain that he's beyond material possessions.
his car costs $110,000.
the next person promising indigenous wisdom
should probably be asked
which community taught them.
you will soon meet someone
who knows the difference between appreciating a culture
and using it as a costume.
an influencer is about to discover a tradition
that several million people
have been practicing for centuries.
your lucky number is 500
the cost of a workshop
where somebody teaches you that happiness is free.
the first rule of cultural exchange
everybody brings something to the table.
nobody gets to steal the table.
a man who has never planted anything
is about to sell you a course
on becoming one with the earth.
the next ancient ritual you encounter
may have acquired a bluetooth speaker
somewhere along the way.
someone is selling ceremonial authenticity
in three convenient monthly installments.
you are about to discover
that a beautiful tradition becomes even more meaningful
when you learn its history.
your lucky number is 33
the number of times somebody has called something sacred
without explaining why.
the first rule of ancestral wisdom
don't forget the ancestors
while selling the merchandise.
a wellness entrepreneur is about to explain
how an ancient culture discovered a secret
that was apparently waiting for a podcast sponsor.
your next spiritual guru
may have spent more time designing their logo
than studying the tradition.
someone has discovered that cultural heritage
looks fantastic on packaging.
the people who created it would appreciate some credit.
a meditation center is opening nearby
featuring imported spirituality
and locally sourced arrogance.
your lucky number is 22
the number of decorative buddha statues
in a restaurant that serves absolutely no buddhist food.
the first rule of honoring a culture
real people are still living it.
listen to them.
a guy who learned three words in another language
is about to announce
his new spiritual identity.
your next great cultural experience
won't require pretending you were born somewhere else.
a self-proclaimed healer
will soon discover that traditional knowledge
comes with traditional responsibilities.
someone who calls everything sacred
is about to discover the concept of a refund.
your lucky number is 1969
an excellent year for questioning authority
and some truly unfortunate fashion decisions.
the first rule of spiritual enlightenment
humility is included.
the premium membership is not.
a company is about to sell you an ancient symbol
without knowing what it represents.
do your homework before buying.
a person who respects your culture
will want to learn about your people
not just borrow your wardrobe.
the next great cultural movement
will involve people sharing their traditions
without surrendering ownership of them.
somebody is about to call an ordinary herb
a revolutionary ancient botanical technology.
it's parsley.
your lucky number is 100
the percentage of spiritual retreats
that should include actual respect for their source traditions.
the first rule of borrowing ancient wisdom
credit the teacher
preferably while they're still alive.
you will soon discover
that real cultural appreciation makes your world bigger
without making somebody else's smaller.
aries, your confidence is extraordinary
especially considering how often you're wrong.
keep it up.
taurus, an unexpected financial opportunity is approaching
unfortunately, it's going to require getting off the sofa.
gemini, someone is falling in love with you
which version of you remains unclear.
cancer, your emotional intelligence is remarkable
you can detect a change in someone's mood
from another borough.
leo, an admirer is approaching
remain calm
it's not necessary to announce your arrival.
virgo, a romantic opportunity is coming
please resist the urge
to create a spreadsheet.
libra, a major decision awaits you
fortunately you have six months
to choose between two identical options.
scorpio, somebody knows your secret
don't worry
they're terrified of you.
sagittarius, adventure is calling
answer the phone
and for once make a reservation.
capricorn, a great success is approaching
please remember
your friends would also like to see you occasionally.
aquarius, an unusual encounter is coming
the other person will actually understand you.
this may be a first.
pisces, your dreams are trying to tell you something
unfortunately they're using interpretive dance.
your lucky number is 12
the number of zodiac signs
currently blaming one another for their behavior.
someone born under an earth sign
is about to teach you
the importance of returning borrowed money.
a fire sign will enter your life
bring excitement, passion, and chaos.
check your insurance coverage.
an air sign is approaching
they'll have wonderful ideas
and absolutely no plans to execute them.
a water sign will soon reveal their feelings
clear your calendar
this could take a while.
a leo will soon compliment your appearance
try not to notice
they're looking at their reflection.
a scorpio is about to forgive you
the investigation, however, will remain open.
a taurus will invite you to dinner
don't be late
and don't touch their food.
a gemini will tell you a secret
you may hear a completely different version
tomorrow.
a virgo is about to fall in love
with somebody who alphabetizes their spices.
a libra will soon make a major life decision
the committee has requested another meeting.
an aquarius will explain their worldview
it will involve electricity, extraterrestrials, and something called frequencies.
a cancer will forgive your mistake
and bring it up every thanksgiving
for the next nineteen years.
an aries is about to apologize
this rare celestial event
should be photographed.
a sagittarius will suggest a weekend getaway
to a country requiring three vaccinations.
a capricorn will discover true love
and immediately ask
whether the relationship has a five-year plan.
a pisces will receive a message from the universe
it may actually be a parking ticket.
your lucky number is 88
the stars have selected you
for something extremely vague but encouraging.
the next person who asks your sign
may be checking compatibility
or conducting an investigation.
your moon sign suggests emotional depth
your credit card statement
suggests something considerably more urgent.
venus is entering an interesting position
somebody from your past
is about to remember your phone number.
jupiter is expanding your opportunities
and possibly your waistline.
both deserve attention.
saturn is teaching you patience
apparently you were absent
during the previous lessons.
mars is influencing your confidence
do not mistake this
for permission to argue with everybody.
neptune is clouding your judgment
which explains
your last three romantic decisions.
pluto is bringing transformation
beginning with the mysterious disappearance
of your favorite sweatshirt.
your birth chart reveals extraordinary potential
unfortunately it doesn't mention
when you'll start using it.
the stars are aligned in your favor
your landlord remains unimpressed.
your lucky number is 369
a strangely powerful little combination.
remember where you saw it.
a person with the same zodiac sign as you
will soon demonstrate
your most annoying personality trait.
someone with a completely incompatible birth chart
is about to become one of your favorite people.
the universe is sending you signals
some are cosmic
others are clearly spam.
your rising sign suggests confidence
your actual behavior
suggests you need a nap.
a rare planetary alignment is approaching
astrologers are excited
astronomers would like everyone to calm down.
your horoscope predicts a romantic surprise
which may explain
the sudden interest from your ex.
someone is going to blame their behavior
on being a gemini.
request additional evidence.
your destiny is written in the stars
unfortunately the handwriting
is absolutely terrible.
mercury is in retrograde
your ex has suddenly remembered you exist.
block accordingly.
your lucky number is 3
the number of times mercury will be blamed
for a completely preventable mistake.
mercury retrograde is approaching
back up your files
and reconsider contacting that idiot.
the first rule of mercury retrograde
never send an emotional message
without reading it twice.
mercury is moving backward
according to the view from earth.
your life doesn't have to.
someone from your past is returning
apparently mercury has been handing out your address.
mercury retrograde will test your patience
beginning with a printer
that has decided to pursue other interests.
your next misunderstanding
will be blamed on the planets
by someone who simply wasn't listening.
mercury has entered retrograde
every astrology influencer
has just canceled their accountability.
your lucky number is 21
the number of unanswered messages
that mercury had absolutely nothing to do with.
the stars suggest avoiding impulsive decisions
especially marrying someone
you met during a flight delay.
mercury retrograde is not responsible
for your inability to assemble furniture.
read the instructions.
someone is about to reconnect with you
claiming the universe brought them back.
ask where they've been since february.
the first rule of retrograde romance
nostalgia is not evidence
that the relationship was good.
mercury appears to be moving backward
your career, however
is still allowed to move forward.
a delayed train is approaching
mercury accepts no responsibility.
the mta also declines comment.
your next computer malfunction
will inspire a profound spiritual experience
involving extremely colorful language.
mercury retrograde has begun
somewhere a gemini is preparing
a fourteen-minute explanation.
your lucky number is 17
it has no connection to mercury.
enjoy the independence.
when mercury goes direct
all your problems won't disappear.
but at least you'll need a new excuse.
## Dealing With Men: 20 Fortunes
a man is about to surprise you
by doing exactly what he said he would.
remain calm.
the first rule of dealing with men
if he says he's fine
additional information may be required.
your next romantic prospect
will know how to cook, clean, and communicate.
don't faint.
a man who claims he's low maintenance
is about to spend forty minutes
discussing the correct placement of a television.
your lucky number is 2
the number of ears he possesses.
encourage him to use both.
someone will soon demonstrate
that a man can be strong, kind, and emotionally available.
they're not mutually exclusive.
the first rule of understanding men
sometimes the answer really is
that he was thinking about absolutely nothing.
a man is about to tell you
he doesn't believe in astrology.
ask him about his fantasy football predictions.
the next man who says he doesn't cry
will be emotionally destroyed
by a documentary about a dog.
your future partner
will remember your birthday
without requiring a federal investigation.
a man is about to explain something
you already understand perfectly.
let him finish if you're feeling charitable.
the first rule of dating a confident man
he doesn't need to win
every conversation.
someone is going to meet a man
who asks for directions.
historians will record the event.
your lucky number is 5
the number of minutes a man needs
to explain why he doesn't need a therapist.
a man who once seemed emotionally mysterious
will soon turn out
to have an extremely limited vocabulary.
the next man who impresses you
will do so by keeping a promise
nobody reminded him to keep.
the first rule of a healthy relationship
you are his partner
not the customer service department.
a man is about to surprise you
by admitting he was wrong
before presenting fourteen reasons why.
someone with a beard and a podcast
will soon explain the female nervous system.
take notes at your own risk.
the next good man who enters your life
will make you feel safe, respected, and understood.
don't mistake peace for boredom.
a stranger will soon tell you something
that sounds completely ridiculous.
remember it anyway.
you are going to become someone's favorite person
without making the slightest effort to impress them.
the first rule of going to harvard
never mention you went to harvard.
apparently nobody told the graduates.
a small misunderstanding
will lead to a very fortunate introduction.
someone you haven't met yet
is already looking for a person exactly like you.
you're about to be invited somewhere
that changes your opinion of an entire group of people.
your lucky number is 18
it has been following you around.
now you know.
leos, stay away from scorpios
unless you enjoy negotiating with someone who already knows your secrets.
the next piece of advice you receive
from someone over seventy
deserves your full attention.
the first rule of new york city
walk like you know where you're going.
even when you're completely lost.
your next financial opportunity
will begin with somebody asking an innocent question.
you're going to receive a very unusual compliment
from someone who doesn't give them easily.
someone is going to recognize you
in a place you've never been before.
there's a good explanation.
you have a remarkable ability
to make difficult people feel comfortable.
someone important has noticed.
your lucky number is 93
don't bother figuring out why.
just enjoy having one.
there's a little unfinished magic
in something you started years ago.
it's waking up.
aries, stay away from libras
they'll spend three hours deciding where to eat
and then steal your fries.
a person you meet through work
will eventually become part of your personal life.
the first rule of flirting
if they're laughing at your terrible jokes
you're doing better than you think.
you're about to get an answer
to a question you were too embarrassed to ask.
your lucky number is 6
it looks innocent.
so do most good opportunities.
a place you've walked past a hundred times
will soon become very important to you.
someone who once thought you were difficult
is going to discover that you're actually extraordinary.
you will be invited into an interesting conversation
by someone who rarely includes outsiders.
your next moment of courage
will happen so naturally
you won't recognize it until afterward.
virgos, stay away from sagittarius
unless your idea of romance is a vacation with no hotel reservation.
your lucky number is 204
yes, lucky numbers can have three digits.
nobody said this was amateur hour.
the first rule of good timing
arrive when you're ready.
preferably before they close.
a person with a very unusual name
will bring you some very welcome news.
somebody will soon describe you
using a word you've never used to describe yourself.
you're going to discover an unexpected connection
between two people you thought had nothing in common.
the next time your plans fall apart
don't panic.
the replacement plans will be better.
your lucky number is 71
write it somewhere.
your memory has been unreliable lately.
an old photograph
will soon remind you of something wonderful you've forgotten.
taurus, stay away from aquarius
unless you're comfortable dating someone who may actually be from another planet.
the first rule of business
make something people love.
figuring out the rest is everybody's problem.
someone who was once a stranger
will become somebody you couldn't imagine life without.
an unexpected phone call
will leave you smiling for the rest of the afternoon.
there is a very good reason
you're not where you expected to be by now.
you'll understand it soon.
your lucky number is 27
a surprisingly large amount of luck
is hiding inside an ordinary day.
a person who seems completely uninterested in you
is actually paying very close attention.
you are about to discover
that one of your supposed weaknesses is an extraordinary advantage.
geminis, stay away from pisces
unless you want every disagreement
to become a three-part documentary about feelings.
an invitation from someone older than you
will open a door you didn't know existed.
the first rule of love
don't confuse a good story
with a good relationship.
something you once considered embarrassing
will eventually become one of your most charming qualities.
the next time you get lost
you're going to find something
you didn't know you were looking for.
someone is going to surprise you
by remembering a tiny detail about your life.
your lucky number is 418
it won't make sense today.
that's how fortunes work.
a person you admire from a distance
will turn out to be surprisingly approachable.
cancers, stay away from aries
unless you enjoy emotional conversations
conducted at highway speeds.
you're going to experience
the rare satisfaction of having someone admit you were right.
the next person who teaches you something important
will be much younger than you.
the first rule of real estate
location is everything.
especially when you're choosing where to fall in love.
someone you helped a long time ago
is about to return the favor in a surprising way.
a very small change to your daily routine
will introduce you to somebody fascinating.
your lucky number is 52
there are 52 weeks in a year.
one of yours is about to be spectacular.
somebody will soon mistake you for someone famous
enjoy the confusion.
don't sign anything.
scorpios, stay away from leos
unless you enjoy competing
for control of the restaurant reservation.
the most valuable thing you'll receive this month
won't cost anybody a penny.
you're about to hear your own words
repeated back to you by someone who took them seriously.
a minor inconvenience
will prevent a much bigger one.
you'll never know how lucky you were.
the first rule of getting older
keep making new friends.
the old ones already know too much.
someone will soon ask you a question
that makes you reconsider a decision you've already made.
a little mystery in your life
is about to receive a surprisingly entertaining explanation.
your lucky number is 888
somebody had to get the dramatic one.
congratulations.
a person who doesn't usually show affection
is about to make an exception for you.
sagittarius, stay away from taurus
unless you enjoy explaining
why a spontaneous trip requires leaving the house.
the next thing you do purely for pleasure
will accidentally teach you something valuable.
you're going to be offered something for free
that turns out to be worth considerably more than money.
the first rule of money
don't spend it trying to impress people
who wouldn't lend you twenty bucks.
someone you've never met
has already recommended you for something.
you're about to become very good
at something you currently find difficult.
keep practicing.
your lucky number is 14
it will appear somewhere completely unexpected.
act mysterious.
you have an unusual talent
for seeing possibilities where other people see problems.
a joke you tell without thinking
will make someone laugh at a time when they desperately need it.
aquarius, stay away from cancers
unless you're prepared to explain
why you need three days alone to think about the universe.
your next romantic surprise
will happen somewhere spectacularly unromantic.
an important person in your future
is currently having a completely ordinary day.
just like you.
the first rule of meditation
stop trying so hard.
you're making sitting down look exhausting.
your lucky number is 39
it has absolutely nothing to do with your age.
stop worrying.
someone will soon ask for your opinion
because they trust your judgment more than their own.
a conversation with a complete stranger
will restore your confidence in a decision you've been questioning.
you're going to receive a gift
that proves someone understands you better than you realized.
a new opportunity
will make you grateful for a disappointment you experienced years ago.
pisces, stay away from virgos
unless you're ready to have your dreams
organized into a spreadsheet.
the first rule of apologizing
admit what you did.
your explanation can wait until after lunch.
you're going to discover
that someone you've known for years has a remarkable hidden talent.
your lucky number is 61
it's not a glamorous number.
neither was your last great idea.
the next time someone says you can't do something
you're going to have an unusually good answer.
somebody you meet during a completely ordinary errand
will become part of an extraordinary memory.
a door you assumed was permanently closed
will soon open from the other side.
libras, stay away from capricorns
unless you're looking for someone
who schedules romance on a shared calendar.
a person who makes you feel young again
is about to enter your life.
don't ask how old they are.
your lucky number is 23
keep it close.
your next lucky break may come with a number attached.
of all the people who could have received this fortune
it landed in your hands.
something tells me you're going to make excellent use of it.
Get rid of your childish boyfriend.
It's about time.
your next orgasm
will be interrupted by your apple watch
congratulating you on your exercise.
someone who calls you family
is about to ask you to work for free.
your lucky number is 69
your unlucky number is 3.
that's how many other people have keys to his apartment.
a wealthy man will invite you to the hamptons
and spend the entire weekend
explaining why poor people are lazy.
your next lover will say they're spiritually evolved
which apparently means
they don't have to call you back.
someone will tell you they've been doing a lot of work on themselves
they've actually just learned
seven new ways to blame you.
an attractive stranger will tell you they're separated
what they mean is
their spouse is in another room.
your mother is about to give you a compliment
unfortunately, it contains the word "but."
someone is going to offer you cocaine
and spend the next forty minutes
talking about their startup.
your next sexual awakening
will be discovering how attractive someone becomes
when they know when to leave.
someone who owes you $600
is about to explain
why money isn't important.
a person who describes themselves as an empath
will soon make you feel terrible
for having feelings.
your next romantic encounter
will be with someone who has been celibate for three years.
not entirely by choice.
a man is about to explain the female orgasm
using information he received
from another man who has never witnessed one.
your lucky number is 8
that's how many people at your next dinner party
secretly hate the host.
you're about to meet someone with generational wealth
and absolutely no evidence
of generational intelligence.
your next one-night stand
will last three nights
because neither of you knows how to end a conversation.
a person who says they don't believe in marriage
is about to propose something
considerably more expensive.
someone is going to tell you that everything happens for a reason
and you will immediately understand
why some people get punched in the face.
Stay in your relationship much longer this time.
Study yourself.
The obstacle becomes the path.
A fake social media influencer is going to scam you into
believing you're going to be famous
and it's going to cost you $200.
a stranger in head to toe lululemon
will ask if the smoothie is healthy and then not listen to the answer.
many juice bars suck
because they just wanna make a buck and can't stand doing things the hard way, the way juice demands.
a man on the 6 train
will make eye contact with you for one full stop and never think of you again.
your landlord
is thinking about you right now, and it is not good.
a mason jar
is worth fifty cents and more loyal than most people you know.
someone with a podcast
will tell you about their podcast within the next eleven minutes.
a dog on third avenue
will judge your outfit and be correct.
your phone
will buzz soon. it will be nothing.
a woman carrying a yoga mat
has not been to yoga in six weeks and brings it everywhere anyway.
an email marked urgent
is not urgent.
a pigeon
knows more about this block than you ever will.
your next great idea
will arrive in the shower and be gone by the time you find a towel.
a man in a fleece vest
will explain something to you that you already understand.
a free sample
will cost you twenty minutes of conversation.
your ex
is eating something worse than what you are eating right now.
a green juice
will make you feel superior for roughly forty minutes.
someone you love
will text you "k." do not read into it.
a tourist with a map
will ask you for directions to the place you are standing in front of.
the oat milk
remembers everything.
a person ordering for the table
is about to get it wrong.
a guy who says he does keto
will tell you before you even ask.
your horoscope
was written by someone who has never met you and is right anyway.
a vegan bagel
will change your mind about something you swore you would never change your mind about.
a man in a suit eating a salad at his desk
is dreaming of a cheeseburger and will never admit it.
the person behind you in line
has already decided what you should order.
tomorrow
will look a lot like today, unless you drink more water.