The First Time I Met Dr. Liebowitz
My parents divorced when I was about eleven and a half. Before that, their relationship was already tense and unstable, and it did not help me or my sister. The real shock came when my mother decided to move back to New York while we were living in California. Suddenly, I was told to choose which parent to live with. That is an impossible decision for a child.
My mother was volatile, angry, and unpredictable. My father, on the other hand, was rich. We had a pool, a Beverly Hills house, and a Rolls Royce in the driveway. But he had no boundaries. I could do whatever I wanted, and by the time I was twelve, I was already showing signs of serious maladaptive behavior.
To his credit, my father found me a therapist named Dr. Liebowitz. This was the 1980s, long before therapy became mainstream. Dr. Liebowitz was compassionate, funny, and deeply human. He did not pathologize me or make me feel broken. He built model airplanes with me, and we talked while we worked on them. He understood my fascination with weapons and never shamed it. He used that interest as a bridge to reach me.
What he really did was simple but profound. He made me comfortable talking about my feelings. Not in a clinical or forced way, but in a safe, real, and natural way. That was the foundation of everything that came later.
Today, there are many kinds of therapists for children: play therapists, art therapists, and family systems practitioners. But the same rule still applies. Kids need warmth and humanity more than analysis. They need someone nurturing, emotionally intelligent, and patient, not sterile or overly clinical.
Therapy for children of divorce is not about fixing them. It is about helping them process a reality they did not choose, teaching them to name their emotions, and giving them a space where honesty feels safe.
What Research Shows About Children of Divorce
Before describing the benefits of therapy, it is useful to understand the challenges that children of divorce tend to face. These patterns are well documented.
Children of divorce are at higher risk for anxiety, depression, guilt, behavioral problems, lower self esteem, and adjustment difficulties, especially during transitional periods. They often face disruptions in routines, changes in caregiving, exposure to conflict, and a loss of stability. Many experience confusion, loyalty conflicts, or the feeling of being caught in the middle. Some are pressured to side with one parent or take on emotional roles that are not appropriate for their age. It is also common for children to blame themselves and believe the divorce was their fault.
Because these risks exist, therapy aims to protect children, strengthen coping skills, and reduce long term negative outcomes.
The Benefits of Therapy for Children of Divorce
Therapy gives children a safe, nonjudgmental space to express sadness, anger, confusion, and fear. It helps them learn to identify and name what they feel. This improves emotional regulation and prevents unhealthy repression.
It also helps children reframe the story they are telling themselves. They learn that the divorce is not their fault. In narrative based therapies, children externalize their problems and begin to understand the situation in a way that restores perspective and self worth.
Therapy provides coping skills and resilience building. Through structured approaches, children learn emotional regulation, problem solving, and stress management techniques that make them more adaptable during major life changes.
It also supports better behavioral and social adjustment. Many evidence based programs show that children who participate in therapy display fewer acting out behaviors, reduced aggression, and improved classroom behavior.
Another major benefit is improved parent child communication. Joint or family sessions give both sides a chance to talk openly and clear up misunderstandings. When parents and children communicate better, children feel more stable and understood.
Therapy can also help reestablish structure and normalcy. During times of family transition, children need predictable routines. Therapy provides a stable anchor point where they can make sense of change in a calm environment.
Finally, therapy acts as a preventive measure. Early intervention reduces the likelihood of chronic emotional or academic struggles later in life. The earlier the support, the stronger the outcomes.
Proven Programs and What Works
The Children of Divorce Intervention Program, often referred to as CODIP, is one of the most studied examples. It is a structured group intervention that combines emotional support with skill building. Children who participate in this program show less anxiety and fewer classroom adjustment problems compared to peers who do not receive such support.
School based counseling programs and peer support groups have also proven effective. These settings help children feel less isolated and more validated, while also giving them tools for self regulation and social growth.
These interventions usually blend emotional work with education about divorce, coping strategies, and family communication tools.
Important Factors That Influence Outcomes
Therapy is not a magic cure. Some factors matter more than others.
Parental conflict is often more damaging than divorce itself. When parents fight, the child’s stress increases regardless of how much therapy they receive. Therapy works best when both parents commit to lowering conflict and improving communication.
Timing matters too. The period right around the separation or major life changes, such as a move or custody shift, is especially sensitive. Early therapy during these phases can make the biggest difference.
Children are not all the same. Age, temperament, and natural resilience shape how they respond. A good therapist adapts to the developmental stage and emotional maturity of each child.
Parental involvement also influences results. When parents support and reinforce what children learn in therapy, progress accelerates.
Finally, not all therapy is created equal. The best outcomes come from programs that are structured, evidence based, and led by experienced clinicians.
Therapy is most effective when it is part of a broader support system that includes consistent caregiving, stable routines, low conflict, and emotional safety at home.
What I Learned from Dr. Liebowitz
Looking back, I realize Dr. Liebowitz embodied all of this decades before the research was written. He did not diagnose me or label me. He helped me feel safe enough to talk. He gave me something that every child deserves: a calm and kind adult who listens and makes space for truth.
When I think about therapy for children now, I do not think about technique or theory. I think about Dr. Liebowitz sitting across from me, holding a model airplane, and helping me build something that still holds together to this day.