One of the most important questions we rarely stop to ask—let alone answer—is: what exactly are we trying to transform in our relationships, if not ourselves? We spend so much time trying to change others, but the truth is, when we transform ourselves, our relationships naturally shift into entirely new dimensions.
The cause-and-effect, the karma of a relationship, begins to change the moment we become aware of our anxiety reactions—the very ones that give rise to character defects, again and again. Until we become aware that this is happening, we have no control over it. And that kind of awareness is not easily gained. It takes work. It takes willingness.
In many relationships, we fall into the same old pattern: we lash out, and then we retreat into victimhood. This is a cycle rooted in childhood confusion and trauma—from interactions with adults and older children who didn’t model emotional safety. So we developed defense systems: behaviors meant to protect us, to help us get our needs met. But now, as grown-ups, these same defense patterns destroy intimacy and create distance.
The pattern that most needs transformation is that reactionary cycle of aggression followed by emotional withdrawal. To change it, we must learn how to stay relaxed, breathe, and stay present. It’s easier said than done. Some people may never fully grasp what it means to slow down the mind. Some will live their entire lives over-identified with their thoughts—bitter, reactive, and disconnected—even if they live to 150. Others wake up in their teens or twenties and begin to break the cycle early.
When we become truly aware that these patterns are driving us, we can start to intervene. We can pause. We can breathe. We can gently but firmly insist to our own mind:
“I will speak kindly to myself. I will not continue the harm through self-criticism.”
You can say to yourself,
“I’m sorry for what you went through, my beloved. In this present moment, there is no trauma. There is only love and tenderness.”
Let go of the past by declaring it out loud:
“I let go of this thought. It may not even be true. I don’t need it anymore. I can choose a different one.”
This is exactly what the Buddha taught.
This is what Patanjali taught.
This is what modern neuroscience and ancient wisdom agree on.
Every thought deserves inspection.
“Hello, thought. Where did you come from? What do you want from me? Are you even true? Are you helping me?”
After a few deep breaths, if you realize the thought is making you suffer and has no wisdom to offer—release it.
Push it aside. Gently.
And when the next thought comes—whether pleasant or painful—do the same.
Meditate on your relationship thoughts.
Stop judging your partner in your mind.
Stop creating unnecessary suffering.
Change the pattern.
You may be living out the very emotional blueprint passed down through generations—reactive behaviors you inherited from your parents, who inherited them from theirs. It’s a vibrational imprint passed through communication, habits, tone, and silence.
But deep down, what every child wants is simple: to see their caregivers in loving union. In harmony. That’s all.
And you? If you’re reading this, you still have that capacity to love.
Even if your heart feels bitter, even if it’s fractured, the parts that still hurt are also the parts that have hurt others. That’s how it works. We carry both.
You must face your mistakes with compassion, not shame.
Accept what happened to you. Recognize how it shaped your addictions, your defenses, your broken philosophies. And when you do, you can say:
“Of course I developed these survival patterns. I’m human. But now, how do I evolve?”
Don’t settle for mediocrity in your emotional life.
Go deep—not for ego, but for freedom.
To liberate yourself from fear of death, fear of abandonment, fear of life itself.
Every relationship carries the conflict both people bring with them—and all of it has roots in childhood. But here’s the miracle:
When one person awakens—truly awakens—the conflict begins to dissolve.
If the other remains abusive, hostile, or unwilling to grow, the awakened partner will eventually walk away. Not out of anger, but from love. Because they are no longer attached to suffering.
If the other person still cannot see, there’s no judgment—they simply need more time. And that’s okay, too.