It is utterly naïve to believe that relationships can be distilled into a simple guide—some “10-step formula” that guarantees success. When we are young and inexperienced, we want to believe in such simplicity. But human relationships are anything but simple. They are shaped by our childhood experiences, our regulation of anxiety, our ability to navigate conflict, and the ongoing evolution of our character.
Yet, if I were to offer you the most essential truths—the core insights that allow relationships to thrive—I would begin with this:
1. Master Your Own Anxiety
The foundation of a strong relationship is self-awareness, specifically regarding your states of anxiety and the triggers that amplify them. These triggers are not limited to the relationship itself; they are woven into the fabric of our daily lives—urgency, time scarcity, fear, financial insecurity, self-doubt, attachment, boredom, loneliness, desire. They manifest in infinite ways.
The key is responsibility. You must own your triggers, your reactions, and your ability to regulate your nervous system. Learn about the central nervous system—this is not just self-help jargon; it is a fundamental truth of human experience. When you understand how your nervous system operates, you understand yourself. When you understand yourself, you gain deeper insight into your partner—their anxieties, their reactions, and their need for regulation.
2. Breathe With Intention
Breath is more than a reflex; it is a tool for transformation. The way you breathe directly impacts your chemistry, your heart rate, your mental clarity, and your ability to return to a parasympathetic state—a state of calm, presence, and connection. Relationships flourish when both people learn to return to this state often. This takes practice, but it is one of the simplest, most profound changes you can make.
3. Write to Understand Yourself
Daily journaling—especially in moments of emotional turbulence—offers a mirror into your mind. It is not just about venting; it is about seeing your patterns, your assumptions, your reactions. This practice sharpens self-awareness and reduces unconscious reactivity.
4. Never Stop Learning
Read about consciousness, psychology, and relationships. Keep learning, even in small doses. Knowledge refines perception, and perception shapes how you love, how you argue, how you grow.
5. Define Your Character
Who are you? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? Your liabilities? Relationships require evolution, and evolution requires willingness. Growth is nearly effortless when we are relaxed and open. But when we are tense—locked in a reactive, survival-based mindset—change is slow and painful. Learning to shift from tension to openness is one of the most valuable skills you can develop.
6. Learn to Share Your Space
Coexisting with another human being is an art form. It demands adaptability, patience, and the ability to let go of rigid personal habits. In the early years of a relationship, both individuals will change—sometimes dramatically. Expect change. Welcome it.
7. Understand Resentment and Let It Go
Resentment is a slow poison. It accumulates in unspoken words, in unprocessed wounds, in unresolved conflicts. If left unchecked, it calcifies, hardening into a barrier between you and your partner. Letting go of resentment is not a passive act; it is an active process. Some find release through psychotherapy, others through meditation, breathwork, or deep personal reflection. Find your method. Commit to it.
8. Embrace the Paradox of Connection and Independence
We are tribal creatures by nature, designed to connect, to bond, to belong. And yet, we are also seekers of individuality, of self-discovery, of personal evolution. The paradox of love is that it requires both union and separation. A great relationship is not one in which two people merge into a singular existence, but rather one in which two individuals walk their own paths while choosing—again and again—to walk together.
The Ultimate Truth
Relationships are challenging. They demand self-awareness, adaptability, and deep internal work—especially for those who carry trauma, dysfunction, or simply the natural weight of being human. But they are also among the most rewarding aspects of existence.
Love is not something we find. It is something we practice.