Personal transformation is a challenging journey, one that requires deep psychological work—grieving, reflecting, recognizing patterns, taking responsibility for our mistakes, and making amends. It involves confronting the harm inflicted upon us in our early years, feeling the pain and sadness that fuel our subconscious anxieties. True liberation comes from acknowledging these inner wounds. While we may never fully heal from our deepest pains, simply recognizing and accepting them can often be enough to lead us into the light.
Therapists themselves must wake up from the "anxious dream" and realize that therapy delivered from a place of anxiety is less effective. A therapist who has achieved a relaxed, present state will be far more effective in guiding others. In this state, the therapist can help couples develop new muscle memory by introducing positive habits like efficient breathing, meditation, fire-walking, ice baths, sound baths, hypnosis, and other creative experiences designed to rouse the mind from its "anxiety sleep."
I strongly believe—though it's not scientifically proven—that a key weakness in couples counseling lies in the urgent nature of relationship problems, which seem to demand immediate solutions.
Counseling that focuses first on surface-level conflicts—like communication and negotiation—while postponing the exploration of anxiety misses the mark. Trying to untangle years of ingrained beliefs, feelings, and habits through negotiation alone is a losing battle. By the time every issue is addressed, the relationship could already be dead. Let's examine some of the most common relationship problems and see what undercurrents drive them:
- Communication Issues: Misunderstandings, lack of openness, passive-aggressiveness, and difficulty expressing feelings or listening effectively are all common issues. Poor communication leads to resentment and conflict, both of which trigger anxiety.
- Trust Issues: Trust is essential for a healthy relationship. When it's broken—through infidelity, dishonesty, or secrecy—it becomes incredibly challenging to rebuild. Trust issues can also stem from insecurities, past traumas, or a lack of transparency, leading to jealousy, suspicion, and anxiety.
- Financial Conflicts: Money is a major source of stress. Differences in spending habits, financial priorities, or income disparities can create tension. Disagreements over budgeting, debt, or savings can strain the partnership and trigger anxiety.
- Intimacy and Sexual Issues: Mismatched libidos, lack of emotional connection, or dissatisfaction with physical intimacy often cause significant stress. These issues arise from poor communication, unresolved emotional conflicts, or underlying physical or psychological conditions, all of which trigger anxiety.
- Compatibility and Lifestyle Differences: Over time, partners may realize they have different values, goals, or lifestyles. Disagreements about parenting, time management, or life challenges can lead to conflict, further exacerbating anxiety.
The underlying driver of all these common issues is anxiety, which fuels problematic reactions. Therefore, managing anxiety should be the initial focus in counseling. Teaching relaxation techniques and encouraging regular practice could help couples address the anxiety that relationships often trigger. Why not prioritize managing anxiety, addressing reactivity, and cultivating new, healthier behavior patterns?
While modern psychology offers valuable insights, the current psychoanalytic paradigm often overlooks the importance of "down-regulating" anxiety through breathwork, meditation, and managing reactivity. Western psychology has lagged behind in embracing these techniques for alleviating suffering. The typical science-based approach does not prioritize relaxation practices as essential groundwork before delving into deeper issues like family dynamics, relational skills, purging resentment, or building meaningful connections.
Psychotherapy often puts the cart before the horse by exploring the shadow self before teaching patients how to relax and regulate their emotions. When clients, especially couples, learn to manage their anxiety through effective breathwork and focus, they can better address the psychological systems that keep them stuck in negative behaviors and thought patterns. Only then can they dive into more complex emotional and psychological work.
This process cannot be fully achieved in a yoga class, disconnected from the specific relationship triggers that feed anxiety. While learning meditation and spiritual concepts is beneficial, it doesn’t have the same immediate impact as working with a therapist who can guide couples through their fight-or-flight reactions. A skilled therapist can help clients notice these shifts and guide them back to calm through breathwork, enabling them to communicate more compassionately and non-reactively. Though this approach may not resolve all deeper emotional issues, it at least provides the groundwork for healthier, more mature behaviors.
That said, some individuals may cling to their anxiety, conflict, and suffering, unable to surrender them. In some cases, even a skilled therapist may fail to provide lasting relief if they lack their own relaxation practice. It’s hard to offer what you don’t personally possess, even with clinical training.
Learning standard relationship skills in therapy is undoubtedly valuable. Understanding psychological dynamics can clarify the issues at hand. Even if a relationship doesn’t survive, counseling can promote personal growth and prepare individuals for healthier relationships in the future.
From personal experience, I know that counseling can be a slow, subtle process, often working in the background of a relationship. It may not always save it in time, but it lays the foundation for deeper emotional transformation.
I suggest that counseling should focus more on identifying personal and shared anxiety triggers and understanding the nervous system—specifically, the balance between the parasympathetic and sympathetic states. A direct approach, incorporating breathing exercises, personal development, overcoming addictions, and fostering character growth, could be universally beneficial. If this type of character development through meditation training and practice became central to relationship counseling, I believe it would have a more immediate and positive impact.