Relationship Abuse: What It Is and What To Do About It

Relationship Abuse: What It Is and What To Do About It

Like all words in self-help, psychology, science, and philosophy, the word abuse must be defined clearly. Without definition, people either minimize or exaggerate it, and neither helps healing.

At its core, abuse is the misuse of power or control that causes harm, physical, emotional, psychological, or otherwise, to another person. It is not an isolated mistake, but usually a pattern of behaviors that undermine the safety, dignity, or autonomy of another. In relationships, abuse shows up through coercion, intimidation, manipulation, or violence.

Forms of Abuse

Abuse takes many forms. Some are obvious. Others are subtle but no less damaging.

  1. Physical abuse: Hitting, pushing, restraining, blocking exits, throwing objects, destroying property, threatening with or using weapons. Even slamming a door in anger can function as intimidation.

  2. Sexual abuse: Any sexual act without freely given consent, including coercion, reproductive control, or using intimacy as leverage.

  3. Psychological or emotional abuse: Intimidation, humiliation, insults, gaslighting, isolation, stalking, surveillance, or digital harassment.

  4. Economic abuse: Controlling money, access to work, or essentials.

  5. Coercive control: Ongoing patterns of restriction that strip freedom and create fear. This is the glue that holds many forms of abuse together.

A related but separate category is the abuse of substances. In medical science, this is now called substance use disorder. Using a drug, alcohol, or behavior compulsively despite harm is not the same as being abusive to another person, but both share the element of harm through misuse.

The Gray Area: Hurt vs. Abuse

Conflict is part of human relationships. We get triggered when our needs are not met, when we feel unsafe, or when our expectations aren’t fulfilled. Our self-esteem takes a hit, and it is normal to feel anxious or angry. This is not automatically abuse.

Abuse begins when patterns of control or intimidation emerge. The difference is not whether we feel pain, pain is inevitable in love, but whether fear and power imbalance become part of the dynamic.

Red Lines You Should Never Excuse

Certain behaviors are always abusive. There is no gray zone:

  1. Blocking someone from leaving a room.

  2. Destroying property to scare them.

  3. Threats of harm to you, children, pets, or themselves.

  4. Physical gestures like raising a fist, clenching in anger, or throwing something.

  5. Strangulation of any kind. Research shows that even one instance of non-fatal strangulation raises later homicide risk more than sixfold.

These are not “bad fights.” They are abuse.

Children and Abuse

Many people stay “for the children.” But research is clear: children who live with abuse, whether or not they are directly hit, are harmed by it. It affects their development, nervous systems, and relationships later in life. A peaceful home matters more than a two-parent household full of violence or fear.

What To Do

  1. If you are in immediate danger: Call 911 in the U.S. or your local emergency number. For confidential support any time, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

  2. Make a safety plan: Identify safe rooms with exits. Keep copies of important documents. Have a code word with trusted friends. Consider a packed bag hidden somewhere safe. Remember that leaving can be the most dangerous time, so plan with support.

  3. Document incidents: Keep a written record of what happens. If safe, ask a doctor to document injuries.

  4. Therapy choices: Do not enter couples counseling if abuse is active. It can make things worse and give the abuser more tools. Individual therapy or advocacy support should come first. Couples therapy may help only when both partners are safe and abuse is not present.

  5. Stay grounded in dignity: You never have to give up your happiness or safety to be in a relationship. Being alone is better than living in fear.

A Personal Story

I grew up with abuse. My mother, overwhelmed with her own anxiety, lashed out in anger and panic. By the time I was five, I remember her hitting me, chasing me, and losing control. Sometimes she turned me over to my father to be spanked, which hurt me even more because I felt betrayed by both parents.

As a teenager, I disconnected from her because I couldn’t handle her volatility. Looking back, I see that my nervous system was wired in chaos, and that wiring showed up in my adult relationships. When my wife speaks to me with anger, I sometimes shut down because it echoes my childhood. Days later, I feel depressed.

But I have learned not to stay trapped in blame. My parents did what they knew, and in their eighties they have admitted their own mistakes. I now use those memories to understand myself and to change.

One of the most helpful tools I’ve used is writing letters. I once wrote to my wife:

“If there is anything I do that feels abusive, please tell me clearly so I can stop it. My only intention is to be kind, to protect you, and to bring happiness to you. In exchange, I ask that when you are triggered or tired or frustrated, you try to be silent and gentle and take my lead. If I do something upsetting, please breathe and tell me calmly. I promise I will listen and change direction.”

This approach removed threats and accusations. It was an invitation to healing.

Closing

Abuse is never acceptable. There is no excuse for violence, intimidation, or coercion. But we can learn to tell the difference between human conflict and abuse, to honor our dignity, and to protect our children. Healing is possible when we face the truth with courage, make safety the priority, and commit to doing the personal work of unwinding our own triggers.

If both partners are willing, therapy, writing, and conscious communication can transform a relationship. If not, it is better to walk away than to surrender safety, dignity, or peace.

 

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