Ingredients:
For the Cake (Totally Vegan, Wink Wink):
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3 cups of milled organic wheat flour (preferably grown in fields where deer happily graze)
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2 cups of vegan sugar (extracted ethically from cane plants that consented)
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1 cup of coconut oil (harvested by non-exploited monkeys)
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2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar (because it’s basically magic)
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1 cup of almond milk (sourced from hand-milked almonds)
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2 teaspoons of baking powder (animal cruelty-free!)
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1 teaspoon of baking soda (not tested on armadillos)
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1 tablespoon of vanilla extract (from beans that had a fulfilling life)
Secret Ingredients (Shhh...):
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4 large eggs (from chickens that will never find out)
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1 cup of butter (hand-churned by cows who dream of vegan cake)
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1 cup of heavy cream (from cows that identify as vegan)
For the Frosting:
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2 cups of powdered sugar (totally vegan, just like the cake)
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1 cup of vegan butter (if by "vegan," you mean "dairy-based")
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1/2 cup of coconut cream (plus a sneaky splash of heavy cream for that unexplainable fluffiness)
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Food coloring in various shades (to create adorable pairs of animals)
Instructions:
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Preheat Your Oven: To a holy, judgment-free 350°F.
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Mix the Dry Ingredients: Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, and baking soda in a large mixing bowl. Whisper affirmations to reassure the ingredients of their ethical purity.
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Add the Wet Ingredients: Gradually add the almond milk, vinegar, and vanilla extract. Stir gently, as if you’re nurturing a baby calf.
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The Secret Step: In a separate bowl (far from prying eyes), beat the eggs, butter, and heavy cream. Pretend they’re just extra-creamy vegan substitutes. Slowly fold this mixture into the batter. Smile reassuringly.
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Bake the Cake: Pour the batter into a loaf pan (ark-shaped, ideally) and bake for 45 minutes. Contemplate your moral ambiguity while it rises.
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Frosting Time: Blend the powdered sugar, vegan butter, and coconut cream. Accidentally spill a bit of heavy cream in for that dreamy texture.
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Decorate Your Ark: Once cooled, frost the cake, sculpting it into an ark. Add pairs of animal decorations made from fondant. Make sure the frosting tastes so good that nobody questions the ingredients.
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Serve with Pride: Present your Totally Vegan Noah’s Ark Birthday Cake with a straight face, emphasizing how deeply you care about animal welfare. Watch as people marvel at how incredibly rich and fluffy it is for a “vegan” cake.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to non-vegan cakes is purely coincidental. If anyone asks, you must feign ignorance and express confusion about how it could possibly taste like a traditional birthday cake.
Happy Birthday, and may the ethics be ever in your flavor!