Marcus A. Antebi - The Future #8 Most Valued Person at SpaceX, Tesla, or the Intergalactic Federation of Elon Musk’s Mind
New York, New York | goodsugar order line 718-306-3906]
Objective
To become Elon Musk’s #8 most valued person by leveraging my track record of ridiculous accomplishments, unparalleled entrepreneurial audacity, and my Syrian-Jewish "nose for retail" to turn your wildest visions into quarter-eating, dollar-spitting realities.
Skills & Expertise
- Parachute Packing: Elon, parachutes are important in your line of work.
- Retail Mastery: Turning nickels into dimes with an uncanny knack for commerce.
- Elbow-Smashing Instruction: Pioneering techniques for nose-flattening excellence. All Musk Execs must have a good elbow strikes, as a rule.
- Vegan & Healthy Food Innovator: Early adopter and trailblazer in the plant-based revolution, paving the way for sustainable nourishment. As humanity looks toward space exploration and life on distant planets, plant-based foods will undoubtedly be essential—even on the celestial frontier Mr. Musk envisions for his elite voyagers.
- Stupidity Engineering: Creating gloriously impractical ideas that burn cash and spark genius. I will fit right in.
Accomplishments
- Serial Entrepreneur: Built a skydiving equipment retail business and sold it for the princely sum of $11. in 2001.
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Juice & Food Industry Maven:
- Founded my first juice and food company in 2010, sold it for millions, paid all the capital gains taxes. (Thank you IRS for making filing taxes a pleasure).
- Launched a second juice and food company, establishing myself as a pioneer of "the single-use plastic free food space."
- Willingness to Sacrifice: Eager to “disrupt” for millions of dollars of CIMP (Musk pays all legal fees).
- Syrian-Jewish Heritage: Culturally equipped with a nose for retail and turning nickels into dimes, now aspiring to learn the dark arts of turning quarters into dollars.
Professional Manifesto
I am Elon Musk. Within me, the spirits of da Vinci, Einstein, Gandhi, and Mike Tyson collaborate to create a once-in-a-generation intellectual powerhouse. My destiny? To partner with Musk’s vision, injecting absurd humor, disruptive creativity, and pragmatic retail sense into the cosmic ballet.
Why You Should Hire Me
- Truth Bombs Galore: I’ll challenge ideas with honesty and irreverence while keeping it (mostly) legal. i.e., the cybertruck is hideous.
- Big Ideas, Bigger Balls: Skydiving retail, vegan food, tiger shark tanks—my résumé screams innovation. i.e., I perfected cold brew, raw oatmeal, and no refined sugar bakery.
- Modesty Meets Ambition: I wake up at 6:30 AM, hit the ground running by 7, and can meditate, innovate, and aggravate until 5 PM.
- Retail Royalty: I know how to sniff out opportunity and make it profitable—except when I don’t.
- Kick Jeff Bezos' Ass: I can knock out or tap out both Jeff Bezos and as a bonus I can take out that 'Zucker' dude for you.
Employment History
CEO & Founder, Multiple Ventures2001 – Present
- Built and sold businesses, including a skydiving retail business ($11 sale price in 2001) and two successful juice and food companies.
- Pioneered the healthy food industry, leaving a trail of kale smoothies and satisfied investors.
Various Dates
- Maven of logistics, sales, and customer engagement while remaining vaguely likable. Retail Merchandising, word-smithing, making retail signs with ease, problem solve most mechanical problems.
2001 – Present
- Balanced precision with chaos, whether saving lives or teaching nose-flattening strategies.
Education
University of LifeDegree in Common Sense and Uncommon Ideas: My ex-business partner went to 'Harvard'—well, not the real one, Tufts. Working with him for eight years was the equivalent of taking night courses at Brooklyn Community College. Along the way, I learned what EBITDA is and even came up with a better acronym: CIMP (Cash in My Pocket).
School of Hard Knocks
Graduated with a perfect record (still felony-free).
Desired Compensation
$950,000 annually, plus mentorship on turning dimes into billions. I will not accept stock options—compensation must be strictly in goods or cash.
My IQ
Must be 130-135. (I haven’t been tested, but my marketing director scored 130 and insists I’m slightly sharper. That clearly puts me at 131+. Why would I need more than that?)
Final Note:
Elon, if you want someone to brainstorm, criticize, or build absurdly profitable (or ridiculous) projects, I’m your guy. Together, we can turn quarters into dollars, dollars into rockets, and rockets into utopian experiments.
I am not willing to wear lingerie, murder, or move my family to another planet to secure employment.