It’s important to understand the classic psychological definition of self-esteem—your sense of self-worth, value, and emotional belonging. These ideas exist inside the broader structure of the ego, which is often talked about as if it’s some mysterious or overcomplicated entity. It’s not.
The ego, at its core, is whatever’s happening in your self-esteem right now—high, low, or in between. It’s a living collection of physical sensations, emotional patterns, stored memories, and moment-to-moment experience. It includes your identity, your history, your self-image, and your projections.
And importantly, the ego includes your internal “feedback loop”—that constant input from the nervous system’s self-esteem diagnostic. It’s also shaped by what your parents saw in you, expected of you, and projected onto you. The ego absorbs all of that. It’s your mind’s current definition of your entire existence—body, mind, and (if you believe in it) soul. It’s the active part of your identity that interacts with the world, influencing others through your thoughts, words, and actions.
The ego is always shifting. It’s not the “real you”—it’s just a part of you. The real you is the conscious observer behind it all—the presence that notices thought, feeling, impulse, and instinct.
The ego experiences; the observer witnesses. The ego gets bruised; the observer watches it happen. The ego reacts, the observer learns. The ego signals and interprets; the observer notices the signaling. When we're obsessing, the observer fades into the background, and the mechanical mind takes over. But the moment we stop and ask, “Why am I thinking this?”—the observer steps back in.
The observer isn’t easy to define. Maybe it can’t be. But it seems clear that the more intelligent or evolved a creature’s mind, the more likely there’s an inner witness capable of reflecting, redirecting, and interrupting automatic thinking. A fish isn’t asking itself, “Why am I swimming this way?” But a human can stop mid-thought and think, “I’d rather focus on this instead.”
What exactly the observer is, I don’t know. Ancient traditions have names for it. Some of those definitions sound plausible—maybe even divine. But we still have more questions than answers. There’s work to be done bridging the gap between neuroscience and ancient philosophy when it comes to understanding the mind, the ego, self-esteem, and the observer.
In the meantime, the most important thing you can do is get familiar with your observer mind through your meditation practice. The observer is always present—it can relax you, signal the brain to calm down, and bring your breath under conscious control.
And when that happens, you’re not just improving your self-esteem. You’re retraining your entire system to come back home.
Now, the big question: what is the world supposed to do with these theories?
Simple—act on them. Not in theory, but in practice. Self-esteem building is a daily effort. Moment to moment. Micro-adjustments. What matters is that we consistently work to bring the nervous system out of the fight-or-flight state and back into the parasympathetic—where real repair happens.
That’s the victory. That’s recovery.
Returning to the parasympathetic nervous system—again and again—is the real work. It’s the blissful, centered state the ego is yearning for. Total resolution of our past wounds and conflicts? That’s a long, winding road. It may take a lifetime. And some of us may run out of time before we fix it all.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t still feel peace.
Even if we never fully undo our childhood pain or rewrite our entire emotional history, we can regulate our nervous system. We can breathe deeply. We can relax. And in that moment, we raise our self-esteem score. We give the body and mind a new signal: We’re safe. We’re okay.
So breathe.
Right now.
That’s where healing begins.