What is the essence of sex addiction? First and foremost, it's slightly different for everyone, but there are common patterns. For example, the root of the addiction is often anxiety-based. Anxiety is prevalent in the lives of those who were victimized, traumatized, neglected, or exposed to anxious behavior patterns in their upbringing. This description applies to many people throughout the last thousand years of humanity. Sex addiction existed 500, 1000, and 2000 years ago.
Sex addiction can be confusing because it often includes romantic and love obsession. Romantic obsession involves a fixation on experiences designed to create euphoria and hyper-positive feelings. While seeking positive feelings is natural, any behavior that can have negative side effects can turn into an addiction. An addiction is a behavior pattern a person cannot avoid when feelings of anxiety become overwhelming. Every human being is triggered differently; some more easily than others.
Sex addiction is not extraordinary compared to other addictions. The person engaging in sexual activity seeks transcendence to rise above discomfort. However, does it actually help? The answer is no. The benefits of engaging in any addiction come at the moment the chemistry kicks in, and even the pursuit of the addiction can create a relaxing mentality. So, it's not just engaging in the substance that brings relief; it's the setup as well.
The question to ask yourself is: what exactly is missing? Why do we feel anxious on a warm summer day while sitting on the beach, needing to drink, eat, or talk excessively? What anxiety is still blaring in the background? The human condition itself is anxiety-inducing, made worse by difficult childhood experiences. These factors matter because humans are sensitive creatures, which may be why we react strongly when threatened. Most of us aren’t actually dangerous; we’re just reactive and have defense mechanisms. Some of us become dangerous inside intimate relationships, where we might strike out or retreat.
A sex addict is someone who struggles to have meaningful, intimate relationships with content beyond sexuality and material interests. They are preoccupied with sex, orgasms, dating, conquest, craving, etc. Human experiences that trigger anxiety include anger, loneliness, tiredness, thirst, horniness, shame, confusion, and boredom. The condition of being human involves feeling anxious, and loneliness, lack of touch, and need for sex or love can exacerbate this.
As we regress into more destructive behavior, sex addiction can take on astonishingly intense forms, such as paying for sex, engaging in sex in inappropriate places, abuse, compulsive masturbation, habitual viewing of pornography, multiple partner sex, anonymous sex, unsafe sex, stalking, forcing oneself on another, using sex to lure a romance addict, over-the-top sexual desires (e.g., S&M), torture, and abuse for pleasure.
There is no quick fix for these issues because they developed over a long period. Humans don’t change easily. First, we must admit we have a problem. There must be a desire to fix the problem. We need to write, meditate, fast, cry, heal, read, talk, and find good teachers to lead us from struggle to salvation without an agenda. These actions will help us heal. If you’re not engaged in the healing process, you’re part of a dying breed. Evolution favors those who can do true inner healing. The fittest among us are those who can practice relaxation, a sign of intelligence.
Many demonstrate brilliance in various fields, but the highest level of intelligence is in working out personal problems. If you’re unclear about sex addiction, try abstinence for six months. If you’re in a relationship, change your relationship with sex. Look at sex as a way of connecting and understand your emotional triggers. Are you desiring sex out of genuine horniness, or are you masking loneliness, frustration, boredom, fear, financial insecurity, or a lack of emotional attention?
Sex addiction connects to intimacy issues and the way we view our own sexuality. Addiction often distorts sex, leading to behaviors like compulsive masturbation or obsessive fantasizing about unrealistic and unsustainable sexual or romantic scenarios. Our role models may have had delusional ideas about relationships and sex, which we parrot until we open our consciousness to new perspectives.