What if forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook, but rather a confusing word we’ve been using to describe the internal process that happens when we think of a resentment, and our body enters an anxious state, even subtly, and then returns to a relaxed state? In this sense, forgiveness becomes the act of regulating the nervous system in the presence of emotional pain.
So is forgiveness just better breathing? Yes, absolutely. When a resentment arises, it only “lives” as long as we’re thinking about it. But even when we’re not consciously thinking about the original wound, that unresolved pain continues to shape our behavior. That means the injury, the wound, is still open.
Some wounds are deeper than others. Some take much longer to heal. This should be obvious. When someone has hurt us and makes a genuine, respectful apology, that effort can help. But what, exactly, is wounded?
The word “wound” can be misleading. It's not always a physical injury, there may be no blood or scar. Instead, the harm is often psychological: subtle, invisible, and deeply personal. Parts of our personality that were already sensitive may feel bruised, especially when we experience disrespect.
Disrespect is one of the most powerful emotional triggers. Why? Because it threatens a basic human need: the need for dignity. We are all wired to seek respect. If we’re especially sensitive to disrespect, it’s likely because we’ve experienced it before, and didn’t like it. No one would.
Our dignity matters. And in many cases, our self-esteem has been harmed along the way.
This is where the real transformation begins.
Rebuilding Self-Esteem Is the Path to Higher Consciousness
Healing begins not by denying our self-esteem, but by reclaiming it. The journey toward higher consciousness includes this vital act: rebuilding our sense of worth.
It starts with saying:
“I love you, Self.”
“I love you, Body.”
“I love you, Identity.”
“I’m glad you exist. You have the right to exist. Your existence matters deeply.”
This isn't about ego, it’s about grounding ourselves in the truth that we are worthy of care.
Next, we examine the events and people that damaged our self-esteem. This will take time. Healing always does. But while that longer process unfolds, we can begin to act as if we already love ourselves.
Make a list of experiences you want in life, joyful, meaningful, beautiful things. As you pursue and check them off, thank yourself:
“Thank you. I love you. Thank you for giving us this moment.”
You nurture yourself not just emotionally, but physically, like a loving parent would:
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Eat well.
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Sleep deeply.
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Move your body.
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Surround yourself with safe, supportive people.
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Keep improving. Keep loving.
This is self-love in action.
There are many powerful tools for healing. Therapy is one. And in therapy, speak clearly about self-esteem. Ask the therapist directly:
“What can I do to rebuild my self-esteem?”
This step is crucial. While self-analysis is necessary for long-term healing, it’s often therapy and connection that accelerate the process.
Self-Esteem Lives in the Parasympathetic Nervous System
Here’s a clue: self-esteem only thrives when we are relaxed.
When we're in a parasympathetic state, the calm, restorative mode of our nervous system, our self-esteem is intact. The moment we become anxious (in the sympathetic state), our self-esteem often falters. This is biological.
Anxiety is not the enemy, it’s a signal. It tells us: “Something is off. Something needs balance.”
The discomfort is your body calling out for regulation. It’s trying to protect you, but often we don’t know how to respond.
Begin Here: Relaxation Is the Goal
This is how we begin to solve even the most complex human problems, especially relationships, which are deeply emotional and unpredictable. Whether it's a partner, a parent, a stranger, we all carry wounds into every connection.
So the first step is this: Prioritize creating a relaxed state.
Use meditation. Use breathing techniques. Use journaling. Use therapy. Use kindness.
But understand: there is no shortcut. Anything that brings immediate relief, like alcohol at a party to ease social anxiety, might help for a moment, but it won't heal. We have to find sustainable practices.
Breathing can shift us back into presence. Presence is the foundation of healing. Deserving to feel calm is the path forward.
This is a lifetime project. You don’t need to perfect it. You only need to begin. And most importantly, someone needs to point the way.
So here it is:
The direction is this: monitor your self-esteem and your anxiety.
Learn to breathe through your triggers.
Quietly, gently, and without drama, regulate your nervous system.
Do it for you.
It doesn’t have to be obvious. You don’t need to breathe loudly in public or draw attention to your healing. You can do it quietly, like an act of reverence, like someone protecting something sacred.
Because you are sacred.