As I began to move along in my recovery I tended to function inappropriately in certain 12-step meetings in two different ways.
In some meetings I would have a desire to be popular. When it was my turn to speak, I would try to sound as if I was an authority on certain subjects. I’d selfishly say what I thought others wanted to hear and sometimes I would get applause.
In other meetings I would have no desire to associate with people in that group. I’d judgmentally find it hard to believe that people had some of the problems that they did. I'd look at people when they were talking, and I'd say to myself, “The reason you're not happy is because you're a dick and you make too many mistakes.”
Because I was so judgmental, I wasn't able to see the good that was being done in those rooms. And I wasn't able to appreciate how far people had come by quitting drinking or drugging and taking actions such as regularly coming to meetings.
I'd be turned off when I heard someone talk about things other than their feelings for me. And I'd be turned off if I didn't hear people expressing deep sorrow about what happened to them in their childhood when I thought they should be doing so. I was lacking compassion because I didn't consider how people tend to completely block out memories of traumatic events because they're in so much pain.
I now see that it's not my place to judge anyone. I realize that I still have my defects. I know that I do things that are not pure and truthful. I'm imperfect in my character. I have defense mechanisms, self-centeredness, and a tendency to react inappropriately to things that happen in the outside world. And I struggle with having volatile and extreme reactions with people in close relationships that I’m in.
As I ponder my past judgmentalism and other flaws, I realized that I haven't achieved some of the things that I've been striving for in my recovery. Overall, my recovery has been amazing and I'm extremely grateful for the progress I've made. And as I ponder my flaws, I also ponder the purposes of my recovery. Specifically, I'm seeking to live happily, joyfully, and freely in the present moment without drifting away into anxiety and inappropriate thinking. And I want to reach enlightenment and maximize my ability to help others in this life.
Helping others is important to me, but I can’t honestly say that that goal is entirely selfless on my part. I want for there to be people who will be sad at my funeral because I’m gone. And I want to communicate and teach others about health and wellness because doing so helps me learn those things better. But I can honestly say that I'm not seeking prestige, money, or fame through my efforts to write and teach—and for that reason I write anonymously.
To put it very mildly, my writing is not perfect. Some of what I say Is debatable. But I'm writing things that I wholeheartedly believed to be truthful and honest. And it’s my fervent hope that it will be beneficial to others.
If you are seeking sobriety from any substance, 12 step recovery meetings can serve as a valuable starting point on your journey. These meetings encompass essential messages drawn from the wisdom of both Eastern and Western philosophy, psychology, and spirituality. Attending your first twelve step meeting can be a pivotal step towards starting afresh and moving towards a more mindful and skillful direction in life. It is advisable to attend a few meetings, reserving judgment for a later time. Afterward, feel free to reach out to me via call or text, and we can discuss your thoughts and opinions on the matter. In the meantime, as we contemplate and evaluate it, you are already taking the next right steps towards healing and equipping yourself with the tools necessary to reclaim your life.