Hey, check this out! I've got something ridiculously exciting for you and your utterly bored kiddos: how about splurging $35,000, (Up to 4 Family Members), from your local crappy airport to the crappy airport in New Zealand's 'amazing' capital of Auckland. Now you can pretend to be interested parents on this fabulous shark-infested-waters cruise ship.
Day One: awkwardly bounce around in a lifeboat dragging behind the 300-foot cruise ship. We do this to give the family a true sense of terror as the ocean's most terrifying creatures trail behind you and your annoying kids.
Day Two: You are likely down one family member caused by violent motion sickness. We are now ready to disrupt the last of the wild habitats of the famous Vegan Sharks of New Zealand. Stuff into one of our embarrassingly tight wetsuits, hop into the shark tank, bring your stupid iPhone*, and start taking ultra cool selfies while feeding 12- to 25-foot great white sharks broccoli, carrots, eggplant, and Portobello mushrooms.
Day 3 through Day 8: Learn to free dive with vegan tiger sharks, reef sharks, black tips, and 2 very intrusive bull sharks that migrated directly from the coast of The Long Island Sound. (Bull sharks are aggressive vegetarians, they do dairy and eggs sometimes.)
Day 9: If you and your pesky family make it to day 9, we'll see to it that we up your adrenaline by bringing you out to New Zealand's secret cove off the coast of Crinky Island. Poisonous sea snakes, giant deadly mantas, and of course, the trip's highlight: Jenna, the gluten-free great white. She's 19 feet from tail to noise of gluten-free bread grinding teeth. (Caution: Jenna is prone to attack children that smell like everything bagels. Who cares, right?)
Yep, that's right! It's like setting a world record for wasting money on the dumbest idea ever! And guess what? The kids are gonna have a 'blast' - NOT! - and you can bet your fancy hat, you won't be getting even a single high-five from your spouse, let alone anything else. Haha, nope! So, if you still think it's a genius plan, umm... go ahead, sign up for the hilariously 'amazing' experience now! 😂
*Bring your own waterproof cell phone case.
