The Trauma of Building a Business
Only my effort is in vain in the business if it doesn't produce the result of providing me with the income I need to survive. But more importantly, whatever the outcome is, I need to experience all the sensations and utilize all of my suffering and positive experiences to help others. That is how I make sense of it.
What I managed to create with my mind, and the money I had after leaving my last company, took a lot of effort and time. It was combined with the work of some great people who have been with me since this project began. In 2019, I trademarked the name Good Sugar.
The first thing I considered after I left 🥬🧃 was, what the hell am I going to do next? I dreamed of becoming a high-level consultant for other retail businesses, but my knowledge was a mishmash of things. When we hired consultants at 🥬🧃, the obstacle was me and my partner. We thought we knew everything. We didn't know how to hire the right people, and we certainly didn’t know how to implement or listen to them. And the big question became: what is the worth of a consultant if they don’t have the success they are selling? It’s complicated.
I am not sure I ever fully believed in myself enough. I didn’t have a structured program, and most importantly, I had no idea how to find clients who would pay me what I think I’m worth. Lacking the ability to generate revenue just by talking about business was probably my biggest obstacle. Honestly, I would much rather sit in the audience and watch other people suffer and struggle.
So instead of being a paid consultant, I created a small network of retailers. Most of them are in food. We just help each other. We support each other. That’s the way it is.
It took an extraordinary amount of my own money to get to the point where I could raise more and actually rent a store. I was starting over from scratch. I launched the project right before COVID. And ironically, COVID gave me an advantage. For about two years, I was just home, writing and researching. I had a small team to help me stay focused. I wrote The Good Sugar Diet Book during that time and paid for editing, printing, and publishing out of pocket. We printed 3,000 copies with the idea that I would give the book away to our best customers when the store opened. I hoped that would build trust and buy-in. I also knew that having a book on the counter gave credibility to what I believed was the most important subject: is any form of sugar safe to consume?
When I left 🥬🧃, the consumer sentiment was that sugar, in all its forms, was evil. That is not true.
I needed far more capital than I expected. When I finally rented the store and had to build it, I realized that figuring out whether or not the operation would work was beyond my skill set. I got lucky. The COO from 🥬🧃, who had been there for 10 years, came to work with me right around the time we were halfway through construction. I thought, this guy is going to save the business model. He’s going to make sure all my creativity doesn’t turn into bloated spending. Thank God for him.
Starting 🥬🧃 had been terrifying. At that time, I was 41, a few years removed from fighting competitively in the ring, and a few years before that, I had stopped skydiving. I had one child. My expenses were manageable.
A Week of Small Wins and Grounding
I felt proud this week because I took definitive action.
I sat down with two potential investors I had met in the store. I don’t know how it will turn out yet, but it felt good to be at the table again, speaking about the business with real people. I also had a promising meeting with a crowdfunding company. They liked what we’re doing and want to move to the next steps. Now I’m taking some time to evaluate whether that path is right for us.
I managed to buy some time with both our landlord and the co-op board by making visible efforts to resolve two of our ongoing issues. At the same time, sales started climbing back to the higher numbers we saw before the holiday season. That felt like momentum returning.
And what really struck me, maybe the most meaningful part of the week, was how good things felt at home. My relationship with my wife was wonderful. I could see how my fatherhood is improving, too. Somehow, even with the stress, I’ve been more present.
I did hit a wall physically early in the week. On Monday, I got a deep muscle cramp in my mid-back. But I handled it differently than I might have in the past. I stayed relaxed. I took a couple of days to rest. I got a massage. I didn’t push myself. And by Thursday, I was back in hot yoga. I took it slow, had a great class, and ended the week with another class on Friday. I felt strong and centered.
I’ve also returned to the basics: breathwork, consistent movement, and prayer. When I’m deeply anxious, it’s hard for me to sit in stillness and meditate. So instead, I pray. It becomes my meditation. Even as an atheist, that’s the language I use — but that’s another story.
This week I also reached out more. I spoke with my friend Jeffrey, a phenomenal endocrinologist and someone I trust. He reminded me how to organize my thoughts during periods of high stress. He said something I needed to hear: I’m not a restaurateur — I’m a businessperson. This is a business. If it doesn’t work, I can exit, and I will move on to something else.
He helped me separate my anxiety from my operational problems. He reminded me of the things I’m doing right. That perspective helped. Jeffrey is a gift. He’s incredibly smart, and I deeply appreciate having him in my life.
You know, I do not think the problems are ever going to go away. I think problems are part of business and part of life. They are constant. They just change shape.
In December, a close friend died by suicide. That hit me hard and sent me into a deep sadness. A few other people I care about are struggling in their own ways. All of that weighs on me. I get distracted easily. That is part of my wiring. I forget to breathe. I react like anyone else does under pressure.
January was my fifty seventh birthday. That alone brings reflection. My father is healthy and I am grateful for that, but he is slowing down. My mother is healthy and still very much herself. Everyone important to me is still here. I hold onto that. I keep repeating the same phrase to myself over and over. Present moment. Present moment. Present moment.
I am doing the work. I am in therapy. I am writing. I am exercising. I am eating well. I am being of service to people. I share my experience, strength, and hope. I have been sober a long time. I am ready.
These experiences teach us how to build resilience under the pressure of survival. Eventually, they force us into solution or we collapse inward. I did not collapse, but I did feel overwhelmed. I reached out to a friend and told him how I was feeling. He said something simple. Marcus, people like us have to remember that being overwhelmed is better than being underwhelmed. It was a dumb cliché, but it made me laugh. Sometimes that is enough.
I do not want to raise money out of desperation. I do not want to build another store with people who will slowly destroy the business. I see that clearly now. Another reason I want to succeed is because almost no one succeeds in this category. I actually do it well. I have the retail experience. I understand the product. I know just enough about the science to be a real thought leader. That combination matters.
I wish I understood crowdfunding better. At first, it felt safer to me. I would rather take five hundred dollars from a large group of people than take a hundred thousand or a million from one source. It is not only about control. Once that system is set up, it seems more sustainable. Sitting across from a small group of investors who analyze every penny and try to reshape a working model into something unrecognizable has never gone well for me.
We already know what this industry is and what it is not. We know there is a real need for clean, honest food. Food people trust so deeply that they stop obsessing over ingredients. They stop chasing trends. They just trust us. We built that trust again. I had it at 🥬🧃 in the early years. Over time, it was traded away. That is no longer a theory to me. There is evidence in what that company became.
I love the business. I want to help people. I love the creativity. If I can keep doing this, I do not need another creative outlet. I get to build stores, design counters, create signage, shape lighting, write books. This work lets me express every part of myself.
Maybe instead of focusing so much on raising money, I should focus on generating real press. Press that tips the whole thing forward. That has been my weakness. And now I see it clearly. It needs to become my strength.
Writing and Legacy Projects
Oh yeah, another big thing for me to be grateful for is that I have three book series I’ve been working on for more than fifteen years. They started as messy notes, then became notes in my iPhone, eventually moved over to Google Docs, and finally, I had an editor on staff for four years who helped give them structure and kept me accountable to the habit of writing every day.
The relationship series is two volumes. Each book is very strong, and they’re complete. I’ve gone through both of them with a fine-toothed comb ten times now. My big challenge is figuring out how to find a book agent and a publisher. I want to get them out into the world. But I’m scared of rejection. I’m afraid of being turned down. And honestly, I’m not super interested in doing book tours, probably because I’m afraid no one will show up and I’ll be humiliated. So I don’t do anything. Except write.
That’s not entirely true. I’ve self-published two books already, so I can’t say I’ve done nothing. But I always have to find an angle that justifies each project. With the Good Sugar Diet book, which was thick and thorough, my motivation was clear. I knew I needed a book to explain the lifestyle so that Good Sugar wouldn’t leave people guessing. That’s also why I have all the blogs on the website. I want it to be clear what I’m doing, what the philosophy is.
I also have a book series on meditation, three large volumes. I’m really proud of that project. I think it could help a lot of people. And then I have a three-part series on addiction. All three of those books are being read by around 150 people right now, and I get a lot of positive feedback. Every time someone new joins the reader list, I think about their situation and try to incorporate something that might help them specifically.
These three series feel like legacy work. Once I publish them, I’d like to work on a book with my wife about having and raising children. I know it will take a decade to write. We have a lot to learn, and that’s one reason I want to write it, because writing forces me to research, to face my blind spots. And I’ll write it in layman’s terms, so it’s relatable and useful to real people.
I also want to write a book called Money, but I want to make more of it first, so that what I write really resonates.
I’m grateful for these projects. I’m grateful that I keep showing up and working on them.